what to say...where to begin

this week, it seems i'm writing for the sake of writing. for the sake of writing, and not letting too much time pass (as i usually do with journals - i'm a horrible journaler.)

Elodie and Pierre have just left. They're going to el Escorial - its a palace nearby Madrid, and I want to go, but I'm trying to be frugal and my cheque doesnt come until wednesday (is that crass? to talk about money on a blog? well, oh well - whatever). I just don't want to mooch another cent off my parents - I'm tired of not being responsible for myself. So I'm being responsible and staying home alone in my apartment. with very little food.

If I'm lucky, Javi will come to visit me this evening - Javi Aquilera, my friend from Segovia, not my roommate. I invited him for a movie - but i don't know if he'll make it because of all the work he has to do.

One thing I'm realizing slowly but surely is how enchanted I was by Spain my first time here. Even at the end of my time, when I 'd sort of created a life for myself and came to except certain things specific to being here as part of my life, not just a fun diversion, I was still romanticizing the life I had here - the culture, my surroundings, my friends, even.

Well that delusion is showing itself for what it really was, by expectations are being revelaed to me in all their rosy tones. This is not to say I regret my decision to come, or that i don't think that at some time in the future I will come to value THIS experience highly, although differently without a doubt. But right now, man, I have no idea what that value is going to be (obviously, Anna, come on - I keep telling myself). But right now, I feel like being here...still isn't real. The first time I felt numb like this because everything was so surreal, so magical, that I couldn't believe I was living in fairytale land. this time, everything is so real, so normal, so mundane...it's equally as surreal. there's no struggle to make it real, and, well, being in madrid is also not liek being in segovia with the "castle" and the mountains. I miss that....(although this time my apartment has a view of the real Royal Palace...LA DE DA).

Well. theat senough for today. I'm off to have tea with carolyn. pajama party!